The Darkness Before Dawn
Weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning. -Psalm 30:5b
The Storm
Frozen under perversion. Defiled in the name of self-serving pleasure. Objectified and disrespected, I am paralyzed for minutes with only the movement of my tears. I see my younger and older selves at the hands of my perpetrators. Reliving in vivid detail the events which fractured me. Frozen. My heart racing frantically, breathing uncontrollably, body tense, and head bounding. Nauseous. I feel their touch, but I can’t stop them. My voice silenced with only audible whimpering. I am back there again. Unable to halt the memories, they control me until I miraculously utter, Lord help me. My request granted, I somehow find myself at the nearest door gasping and inhaling fresh air until my lungs are full.
The Aftermath
There are wounds that never show on the body that are deeper and more hurtful than anything that bleeds. -Laurell K. Hamilton, Mistral’s Kiss
It had been nearly five years since the traumatic memories of my childhood tormented me. Today they returned with vengeance. Memories of the molestation and recent groping were sparked by his lingering scent after he walked by. Only they weren’t memories but flashbacks. I was a little girl, faced down. And now a woman, sandwiched between a door and his body. The flashbacks, a symptom of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder.
Once the dust settles from a traumatic experience, the pain infiltrates. Then the uncomfortable work begins. The world says I should hate, but I can’t. The gripping traumatic memories consuming too much space in my heart won’t allow for any additional hurt to reside there. I am full, longing to be emptied. I wonder what is broken within my offenders that they found it necessary to cause damage within me. I forgave them, yet the remnants of their acts fail to let me go. Life moves about but I feel stuck between was and is. My interstitial existence wants reckoning and to be reconciled to the place where the agony no longer resides. This is the aftermath unfelt by violators. They move on much like twirling tornadoes, unaware of the damage they’ve caused. Leaving everyone in their wake to clean up the mess they made.
After all, when a stone is dropped into a pond, the water continues quivering even after the stone has sunk to the bottom. -Arthur Golden, Memoirs of a Geisha
Yet Still
This is an ugly truth of trauma, the darkness before dawn. It isn’t pretty. Yet even amid trials, I am continuously learning to count it all as joy, knowing the testing of our faith produces steadfastness. And steadfastness in its full effect will ensure that I am perfect and complete, lacking in nothing (James 1:2-4). Anchored in faith, I will not lose my grip on God. His promises provide the assurance needed to press on toward the mark (Philippians 3:14). With His mercies new every morning (Lamentations 3:23), I rest upon His plans to prosper me and not harm me, giving me hope and a future (Jeremiah 29:11), with His guarantee to use it all for good (Romans 8:28).
The Facts on Sexual Assault:(Source: US Department of Health & Human Services; Office on Women’s Health @ womenshealth.gov)
Sexual Assault is any type of sexual activity or contact that you do not consent to. In the United States, one in three women has experienced some type of sexual violence. If you have been sexually assaulted, it is not your fault, regardless of the circumstances.
What Can Sexual Assault Include? Any type of sexual activity with someone who does not or cannot consent.
Examples include rape; attempted rape; sexual coercion; sexual contact with a child; fondling or unwanted touching above or under clothes; verbal, visual, or non-contact sexual activity (i.e., voyeurism).
What is Consent?
Consent is a clear ‘yes’ to sexual activity. Not saying ‘no’ does not mean you have given consent. Consent is an ongoing process, not a one time question.
What else is not considered consent:
Silence: just because someone is not saying ‘no’ does not mean she/he/they are saying ‘yes’. Having consented before: just because someone consented before does not mean ‘yes’ now. Being in a relationship: married, dating, or having sexual contact with someone before does not mean consent now. Being drunk or high: being intoxicated is not an excuse for abuse. Not fighting back: not putting up a physical fight does not mean consent. Sexy clothing, dancing, or flirting: what an individual wears or how they behave does not show consent for sexual activity.
Remember, consent is a clear ‘yes’ to sexual activity. If you have not given clear consent to sexual activity, it is sexual assault. Sexual assault is NEVER your fault.
National Sexual Assault Hotline 800-656-HOPE (4673)
